BENZO BRAIN- A poem about my finding myself as I get off benzodiazapines

Benzo brain,
benzo brain.
It’s not the same brain
I had before.
It’s clearer thinking,
expressive, richer, filled
with love, feelings, compassion,
crying, laughing, raging,
moaning, groaning, funny.

The days of hell are there -still
Yet, the other days are bliss!

I never had a sane brain
since I came from a family
who were insane.
55 years doctors prescribed me drugs.
I never knew why or when.
Who was I, where was I?

Now I have an identity,
I’m a crazy/sane
evolving brain
who loves to rhyme
and in due time
I’ll be better and
better. I hope!

Today I can express
so much of my life
which I kept hidden.
Gradually learning to say
the things I want
in a brand new way.
Quite a feat
at my age,
yet a lot better
than to hide away.newyork14

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AMTRACK- MY NIGHT IN A SLEEPER CAR

Rocks me gently as the wheels turn across
America.
I in my sleeper, feeling wave-like rolling of
the undulating wheels under me.
The gentle swaying of my cozy sleeper,
dream-like,safe, comforted by America’s
heartbeat , as she takes me into her inner
chambers.

As I gaze out the window , the dark night
embraces me with Van Gogh’s stary,
night sky of white and crimson stars
twinkling their nightime smile.

The azure sky softly embraces me
as the trains low whistle
keeps me companion.
The rocking to and fro.

The comforting lull as piercing stars
keeps me companion
rocking to and fro
taking me across the land of America.
Our country Tis of thee,
oh great land of Liberty.
Peace, peace, Om Shanti!
I drift , I dream. I wonder at the awe
of our country’s majesty.
Bring me more of my homeland!

ORIGINAL , My response to learning the formal style by Ronda Dee @Oct 30, 2014

They ask me to be original
within a box of rules.
With anapest and Budapest
Iambs and troches are best.
I almost suffocate
on a villanelle.

I haven’t learned to play
the troche and the anapest
The names of all I do.
I write free verse
at times quite terse,
other times it flies away
pen to paper saves my day.

I may retire from hard knock
school of writers
Take my muse
and dip her in a pool
of ink and dry her.

SHARING MYSELF

I SUDDENLY REALIZED I HAVEN’T SHARED MYSELF WITH YOU:WHO I AM, ABOUT MYSELF. THE BEST IDEA WOULD BE TO GO TO MY LINKED IN ACCOUNT AND READ MY ACCOLADES THERE. I HAVEN’T LEARNED TO CONNECT THE TWO SITES TOGETHER. SO INSTEAD OF ASKING THEM TO COME HERE, IF YOU DON’T MIND, PLEASE GO TO THEM. I HOPE THIS WONT INCONVENIENCE ANYONE, BUT I’M NOT THAT KNOWLEDGEABLE WITH THE COMPUTER

I’VE BEEN WRITING ALL MY LIFE STARTING AT AGE 12 ON MY OLD ROYAL TYPEWRITER. I STARTED TO WRITE SINCE I HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO IN MY HOME. WHO WOULD LISTEN? I CAME FROM AN OUT OF CONTROL FAMILY WHERE I NEVER KNEW FROM DAY TO DAY IF THEY’D TALK TO ME, YELL AT ME OR GET ANGRY AND HIT ME. I NEVER KNEW WHY?

WRITING BECAME A FRIEND FOR ME TO TELL EXPRESS MY PENT UP EMOTIONS, PERHAPS THE ONLY PLACE UNTIL i GOT INTO HIGH SCHOOL AND SHARED WITH WITH MY FRIENDS OUR FAMILY ISSUES. THIS WAS VERY COMFORTING.

IT STARTED OUT AS A FORM OF EXPRESSION AND THEN IT TURNED GRADUALLY INTO POETRY, ON IT’S OWN. I NEVER HAD ANY TRAINING. I WROTE WHATEVER CAME OUT OF MY HAND. WHEN I WAS IN 12-STEP WORK AND WE WERE DOING STEP 3, MAKING AMENDS TO ANYONE WE HAD WRONGED INCLUDING OURSELVES. MY HAND TOOK ON A LIFE FORCE OF ITS OWN AND I WROTE FOR YEARS, SO MANY REPRESSED MEMORIES FROM CHILDHOOD WHICH I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT. YET, A PART OF ME SURE DID. MY MOTHER LATER VALIDATED THESE MEMORIES MAKING THEM SO MUCH MORE REAL AND BELIEVABLE. SHE WAS TRYING TO HELP ME TO HEAL MY PAST.

I WRITE ABOUT ALL INCIDENTS IN MY LIFE THAT HAD MEANING FOR ME SUCH AS LEARNING TO DRIVE A CAR HERE WHICH WAS QUITE AN EXPERIENCE, COMING FROM NEW YORK AT AGE 33 AND NOT NEEDING TO LEARN. I STARTED A NEW LIFE IN TEXAS WITH MY FIANCE IN 1976 AFTER WE BOTH GRADUATED COLLEGE SINCE THERE WAS NO WORK IN NEW YORK. THE APPLE WAS ON THE VERGE OF BANKRUPCY. i NEVER THOUGHT OF LEAVING MY HOME;IT WAS THE ONLY HOME I KNEW FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.
WHEN I MOVED TO TEXAS I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL TO STUDY COURSES WITH MY INTERESTS IN MIND AND BEGAN TO TAKE WRITING COURSES, DIGITAL IMAGING, THE PERSONAL ESSAY, MEMOIR, POETRY, PLAY WRITING, TECHNICAL WRITING. AND THE EXPRESSIVE ARTS. T.V. PRODUCTION, RADIO PRODUCTION, DID WEB RADIO, WROTE FOR THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER, TOOK A DESIGN COURSE AND LOVED IT ALL. I WON A JURIED ART CONTEST AND WON AWARDS FOR MY POETRY. I HAD STUDIED ALL TYPES OF DANCE AND WAS IN THE DANCE DEPT. AT N.Y.U. IN NEW YORK AND GRADUATED WITH HONEORS. I WAS HAVING FUN AND ENJOYING MYSELF.
I STARTED TO DO PHOTOGRAPHY AND WAS A MEMBER OF A NEW YORK CO-OP WITH MY ART IN THEIR SHOWS.I JOINED ART GROUPS HAD ART SHOWS. I ALSO HAVE ACTED IN THEATER PRODUCTIONS, IN CHURCHES AND MADE DOCUMENTARIES. I WAS GOING TO ATTEND GRADUATE SCHOOL WHEN A CAR ACCIDENT AND MANY ENSUING HEALTH ISSUES GOT IN THE WAY OF MY CONTINUING ON MY UPWARD COURSE. NOW I DO A LOT ON THE COMPUTER: TAKE MANY TYPES OF COURSES IN NATURAL HEALING, EATING HEALTHY, HEALING HEALTHY, AND KEEP UP ON THE LATEST RESEARCH IN FOOD STUDY, NATURAL HEALING, THE SCIENCES QUANTUM HEALING, ENERGY WORK AND SPIRITUALITY. IT’S BEEN A LONG LIFE AND PACKED WITH LOTS OF TRAUMA AND OVERCOMING AND ALSO HEALING AND LEARNING AND SHARING. FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON ANY PIECE I POST.

“THE BEST OF TIMES AND THE WORST OF TIMES”

This world is very troubled and we’re in imminent danger on many fronts.
With Isis beheading more and more people, now threatening the veterans in the United states,
as well as threats to bomb a number of places in America.

With the Ebola virus now in the U.S. , Dallas, TX. specifically with 50 others being watched from
the man who came from Libya and lied about his contact with relatives with Ebola and now the lot
of them are quaranteed, with Obama doing nothing to stop folks from continuing to enter on planes
from Infested countries.
Several outbreaks in Washington D.Co. and with Homeland Security having so many camps prepared for
a large scale population getting ill, you can be sure that more and more American citizens will be
in camps of this nature and if Marshall Law is put in place, that’s the end of our country of our
Democracy.
This has been predicted by Bible scholars and it’s all panning out right in front of our eyes.
Then there are the Best of Times, we’re learning so much of how to cure diseases, how to direct our energies
for healing for loving ourselves and our neighbor as Giaia speeds up and causes many earth changes and more
life healing inventions. We learn how to heal ourselves and how to send love to others. Our personal vibrations are increasing our depth of love and manifesting.

How to explain these two dichotomies? It seems that we’re going to hit another crack in the human egg, a tipping point where we have to chose where we focus and stick with this. Pray for our leaders, pray for our
country, pray for one another and for the safety of our citizens and the world in general, for Gaia to continue and when it looks like all forces are ahead to cause us to crack, then all we can do is to hold on to God’s love and nurture and heal ourselves and also to stock up on food and water and medicines. It’s time to realize the severity of what’ coming our way and take a stand, a stand in our personal beliefs and a stand
for our country, One Nation, Under God, with Liberty and Justice for All.

WHY I WRITE

I write because I must; because I breathe, I must express myself in the written word or on voice mail or i’d go insane. If I couldn’t get my voice out of me, it would turn to turmoil in side of me. I write when I feel inspired by beauty. I write because I love the English language. Writing compels me to take flight from earthly cares and to supercede any experience into a more lofty view. It’s my muse who taps on my shoulder and says, “It’s time to write again.” I listen to her at her insistence and take pen to paper and express what I do best, explore more and more of my inner world to become my outer world and give flight to a new flight of expression which brings me joy. Over the years I wrote for various reasons: when no one would listen to a word I had to say. I wrote to keep my sanity within the confines of a troubled, violent home. This gift continued over the years and throughout my entire life.
I learn what I’m feeling when I don’t know. I write for so many reasons that I can’t think of all of these now. It is me learning who I am, what I am made of. I get great satisfaction from the writing process and am always open for suggestions and ways to improve my work.

A latest Poem – STATEN ISLAND FERRY IN RETROSPECT 9/2014

The wind swirled down my face
embraced my body.
As Jen stood at the mast
of the ship
Held on, swung low
sweet chariot
The breeze blew the scarf
round her pretty face and
small frame.
I watched with a smile
loomed large on my face.
Happy, content I was
at the helm of the ship.
As the wind blew, my joy grew
the time of my life.
Wind, water, swirling round.
The time of our lives.