I HAD TO BE YOU

I HAD TO BE YOU.

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WHY I WRITE

I write because I must; because I breathe, I must express myself in the written word or on voice mail or i’d go insane. If I couldn’t get my voice out of me, it would turn to turmoil in side of me. I write when I feel inspired by beauty. I write because I love the English language. Writing compels me to take flight from earthly cares and to supercede any experience into a more lofty view. It’s my muse who taps on my shoulder and says, “It’s time to write again.” I listen to her at her insistence and take pen to paper and express what I do best, explore more and more of my inner world to become my outer world and give flight to a new flight of expression which brings me joy. Over the years I wrote for various reasons: when no one would listen to a word I had to say. I wrote to keep my sanity within the confines of a troubled, violent home. This gift continued over the years and throughout my entire life.
I learn what I’m feeling when I don’t know. I write for so many reasons that I can’t think of all of these now. It is me learning who I am, what I am made of. I get great satisfaction from the writing process and am always open for suggestions and ways to improve my work.

A latest Poem – STATEN ISLAND FERRY IN RETROSPECT 9/2014

The wind swirled down my face
embraced my body.
As Jen stood at the mast
of the ship
Held on, swung low
sweet chariot
The breeze blew the scarf
round her pretty face and
small frame.
I watched with a smile
loomed large on my face.
Happy, content I was
at the helm of the ship.
As the wind blew, my joy grew
the time of my life.
Wind, water, swirling round.
The time of our lives.

TWO YEARS PRIOR – A POEM ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE IN A PLACE FOR GIRL’S FROM BROKEN FAMILIES AND ABUSIVE HOMES.

Where have they gone, those who’ve departed.
Thus place is but a sojourn
of lonely travelers
who transverse these portals
bringing so much of life in
subjection to the rapid swirl of time.

The withdrawn ones, the outlandish
the ones with this facade the one with that.
Each covering underneath the mask
fashioned with the skill of an artist
to supplant the fear that is.

And within the selcusions of these walls
Our own walls are broken
the shames, the pains, the
unearthing of dark hidden secrets
the passions and torments are
brought into view.
-and the walls are broken.

Into these hollows
enters the spirits of our peers
Together we play the gentle chords
of our longing hearts
creating melodious tunes far into
the night.

Suddenly the tones too high pitched
become
And we find ourselves usurped of our
strength
engulfed in a labyrinth of perplexity
We are ensnared in a knot
which seems to grow tighter
as we fight to disentangle it.

When out of the blackness
comes a shiny clearing
and before we have time to
gape at the why of this wonder
we are brought down on a rapidly
spinning record
Having no time to think, but only
to keep up with the pace.

The tear of the sickle, and
the smell of the rose.
The azure softness of the unknown day
filling to overbrimming our
bottomless eyes
The contentment of elsewhere
descending lightly over our
waiting eyes.
The cries in the night,
and the comfort of the guiding
voices in the day.
The wails of the day
and the peace of the eve.

The strivings to learn to live
in a world hard to live.
The goals to be reached, the efforts
to attain.
Dreams fulfilled, dreams unfulfilled.
But the cry of the voice,
always the cry of the voice within.

A story few could know
story few can understand
the essence all indulge.

Weighless, bodiless souls
passing through one another
for a fleeting instance.

Time to hold tightly in the
palm of the hand.
Moments gone forever but always had,

And so Mother, goodnight.

the essence all indulge

FAMILY POEMS: CEMETARIES

I visited mom’s grave today.
Five long years have passed
since she was laid to rest.
All this time I could not go
until now when surging
longings presented themselves.
I had to see that very spot
so she wouldn’t rot – alone.
What astounded me so much
was the deep inner peace
I felt –
The calm, tranquility
of those stones,
the green grassy knolls;
a peaceful feeling
encompassed me –
unlike any other place
I’ve been.
Peace and calm, sublime.
Mom’s laid to rest
takes on a new meaning.
As I sat in front
of her stone,
said prayers,
reflected her life
I was filled with great
relief.
I had done my daughterly
duty.
I came to see
my mommy’s grave,
and I felt saved.

Benzodiazepine withdrawal

I’ve been a benzo addict yet never knew it since all my meds were prescribed by doctors. Over the years I’ve been on valium.,  xanax. hydrocodone. I always managed to get off these a lone and recently learned that clonazepam,  the last benzo I’m on has been almost impossible for me to withdraw from. I never had any idea when I was prescribed these that one doesn’t stay on benzos for years on end. I do have a chronic anxiety disorder and a traumatic brain injury. Neuropsychiatrists put me on these and never mentioned getting off them or any of the withdrawal symptoms I’d have when I did. I have a chronic constipation problem which got worse over the years..

My colon therapist and other doctors and friends told me that hydrocodone was very constipating. I was about to have colon surgery since I had no function whatsoever and have been ill for the last several years. I decided to give withdrawing from hydrocodone another whirl but this time I was determined not to go back on it. I successfully succeeded in getting off these over the last month or so by gradually withdrawing from them. .Wallah, my colon began to work. I was also told that klonopin was also causing my colon problems. I’ve withdrawn from two mill to 0.5 p.m. and 0.5 am or during the night if I wake up and can’t sleep

I began to watch a ton of You tubes from others who are also going through benzo withdrawal hell like I’ve been.which has helped me enormously. i learned information from other people’s experiences I could never learn anywhere else. How prevalent this is and how horrendous the withdrawal is. I thought I was going slow enough by going down to 0.5 and another 0.5 and now I’m on one mill. However, after watching so many other’s experiences I see that I’m been putting my body through way too much all at once. I haven’t had the chance to have my body adjust to being off hydrocodone since I’ve been on it at least 20 years. So, Wow! I had to put the breaks on with my withdrawal. After watching all these videos. I’ve i’ve learned just how addictive and destructive these drugs are. They’ve been recently classified as bad as alcohol and worse and any opiate drug.

 

After two weeks on 0.5 mill and noticing that I was shaky and was crying a lot and  couldn’t sleep, I suddenly stopped it totally for one night. That night was the longest night I’ve ever encountered. I didn’t sleep all night and was crying and shaking and having seizures and having old memories and the ensuing emotions come up and I didn’t mind getting in touch with this since I consider it part of my healing bu the seizures? Well,  I had enough of shaking around emf fields., and had to recently change the room I sleep in since the air conditioner and too much computer and the refrigerator going on caused me enormous pain.

I learned that benzo damage the nervous system and adversely affect the GABA receptors in the brain., and the longer one is on benzos, the more symptoms one has in getting off. I was actually shocked that not one doctor was responsible enough or knew enough to help me and teach me anything about these drugs and I believe either they have no idea about it or they are co- infested with Big Pharma and don’t give a rat’s ass about the effects on human beings.

Having a seizure disorder before taking benzos I’m now going to stay on the dose I’m on until I find a doctor who knows anything about this and will help me with a true seizure medication that isn’t a benzo. I’ve also been listening to You tubes on natural herbs that help with withdrawal and plan to buy these. .I always had a firm belief that the body can heal itself if given the right circumstance and nutritional support.l I listen to so many natural health practitioners and have tried so many of their products and realize that without a face to face doctor to monitor what I take and most don’t know about natural products, even some naturopaths, that I wont get well enough on my own to get off these safely. I do get testing done for my levels of minerals and other things and never really understood the entire complexity of the natural world. Therefore, I continue to do more and more research on natural healing and on finding a responsible doctor who truly understands what I take, not only on medications but also on ‘alternative healing’ and also knows about the best foods for me I’m on an organic diet and on  candida diet. .

After a life-time on drugs, I can'[t  believe that I never knew that being on these for years at a time was so dangerous. Now I have mostly Delta waves after dong an eeg on my brain. The doctor told me I’m an addict?  All I did was to follow my various doctor'[s advise over the years. When i withdrew from each of the benzos I heard bad things about each one and the damage they do. Years ago in my era all one did was to follow the doctor’s advice. Since I’ve been blessed with a computer and a brain that still works I now do research on most everything I do and listen to no doctor without listening to my body.first. My advise to everyone who ever takes a synthetic drug is to do your research and then decide if you really want to take it or look for an alternative natural product. Life is sure a teacher and hard lessons come for a lot of us.